Stuff Unemployed People Like

#9 To Attend Weddings

2009-06-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

If you are unemployed, and people invite you to events, they expect the unemployed person to come, because it is a well known fact that the unemployed person really doesn’t have any reason ever to turn down invitations.

Well if the unemployed person is in the younger stages of adult hood that means you don’t have any excuse not to go to weddings. Now, weddings are fun, usually, and an employed person or unemployed person will likely go for the free drinks, chance encounters with single members of the sex of their preference, and basically an excuse to dress up and cry as your buddy or gal pal walks down the aisle.

Which is all good, except…

For the fact that weddings, will require unemployed people to answer the usual questions. For example the guy in line for drinks next you will drop this gem “what have you been doing these days? I just finished medical school, delivered a baby during the ceremony and am going to remove that cancerous growth from the bride’s father's back after we wrap up the reception.” Well shit.

Unemployed people have two plays at this point – play the sympathy card or lie. First, the sympathy card requires the unemployed person to put on a good face about being unemployed (so you don’t look like a whiner), but still letting on that it sucks balls being unemployed. Now this may get you a hug from the groom’s grandma, but it ain’t going to do much for your social prowess, because you are still that boring unemployed person.

Therefore, unemployed people often lie, and if they don’t lie they tell very exaggerated versions of the truth. For example, see #s 3 and 4 on the list. An unemployed person who casually writes a blog about being unemployed could talk about it for an hour or so and make themselves sound like the second coming of Perez Hilton. Or you could talk about your company almost being ready to launch….but not quite yet….it goes something like this “the start up is almost ready it is going to be amazing web 2.0 shit….business card? Oh no, we have not printed those yet…website? Oh no, keeping the deets under wraps…etc.”

Or the unemployed person can flat out lie. Suggested fake occupations for men include architect, writer, or bar owner. Ladies, go with yoga instructor/chef, teacher, or depressed bride’s maid looking to hook up (never can go wrong with that one).

In conclusion, weddings are fun, but being unemployed creates a dilemma for many unemployed people. So just remember next time you see an “architect” making moves on a “yoga instructor/chef” at a wedding – give them some sympathy and offer to get them their next drink – they need it.

#8 Typing on Computers at the Coffee Shop

2009-02-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

Apparently, unemployed people have a lot of things to write about. If you walk into any urban coffee shop, any time of day or night, you will see a small army of lap top computer monkeys hacking away as if they were writing the final words to Moby Dick.

Now I don’t know what people are actually writing, but I do know it seems a bit absurd how much time people spend on the computer at coffee shops – doing “work.” In reality most of these unemployed people are on gmail chat – with their unemployed peers in other coffee shops – or they are on Face Book updating their status to link to a you tube video of LARPing (you have to watch to understand).

Just imagine what kind of networking could be done, if just once, every one turned off their lap tops and ipods and turned to the person sitting next to them and spent a few minutes talking things over. It will never happen – but would be interesting.

The funny part is how intense people look while doing nothing. Seriously, scan the facial expressions of your local coffee shop customers who are typing away and you would think all of them are explaining the secret of how to fix the economy to President Obama. It may be the 6 cups of coffee they have downed in the previous hour, but these people are intense.

#7 HULU

2009-02-02T14:01:00.001-08:00

Possibly the best website on the intertubes. Hulu has a bunch of random t.v., movie and other clips for free viewing. Unemployed people can watch countless hours of stuff on here - full seasons for shows like Arrested Development and Family Guy and the more recent episodes of cool shows like 30 Rock and The Office. Interestingly enough, unemployed people, even though they may be the most bored people on earth, will not lower their standards and watch some of the other crap that is on Hulu (Bones, Hell's Kitchen, Heroes, and especially "Howie Do It").

Unemployed people rarely have any thing to talk about in social settings, because they don't do anything. Watching Hulu allows unemployed people to impress employed people by having watched every episode of every possible show. That is why unemployed people excel at things like trivia night at a bar or trivial pursuit.

#6 ALCOHOL

2009-02-02T12:14:00.000-08:00

Before you say it, I know that employed people like alcohol too. However, unemployed people like it even more. As mentioned previously, unemployed people are unemployed 24 hours a day - which is tiring - and there are no sick days when you are unemployed - you have to be unemployed day in and day out.

But, the minute you crack that beer, sip that martini or uncork that wine, you are on a mini-vacation. Stress goes away. You are funnier. The person standing next to you is better looking. The companies you sent your resume to that morning - they are going to call you back and ask you to interview. Your shoulders relax, the music sounds good, job....what job?

However, it is important to note, unemployed people are notoriously cheap at the bar. So always have the unemployed person buy the first round - then follow up buying the second round.

#5 DENNY'S FREE GRAND SLAM BREAKFAST

2009-02-02T12:09:00.000-08:00

Denny's Super Bowl promo ad promised every one in America a free Grand Slam breakfast. This is awesome. The Grand Slam breakfast is amazing.

A short stack, bacon (or sausage - but really does any one ever get sausage?), eggs, and hashbrowns. This is the stuff of which America is made. And it is free for one morning only. The only thing that comes remotely close to the Grand Slam breakfast is the Bacon Explosion.

#4 WRITING A BLOG

2009-02-02T12:07:00.000-08:00

Starting a blog is in a similar vain to starting a company (see #3), but not nearly as ambitious - and even less likely to succeed. It is very popular with unemployed people, because it does not even require leaving the couch where an unemployed person spends most of their time. In fact, I thought of this blog while sitting on the couch and started writing it without leaving the couch.

Blogs are common place now, but they still seem to be cutting edge. So if you tell some one “I was working on my blog today” – that sounds like you actually did something! In reality, most blog writing (this one included) is not a productive use of your time and should not impress anyone.

#3 STARTING A COMPANY

2009-02-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

Being unemployed can be a drag, it is time consuming – unemployed people are unemployed 24 hours a day, which wears them down and makes them tired and grumpy. But, if an unemployed person and their friends start a company, then they are no longer unemployed and immediately feel better about themselves.

It is not important that they are in fact creating anything of value, but instead that they are just doing something. Then when they talk to their family and friends, they can talk about how the beta (wtf is that?) of the website will be up soon, and you can’t wait to launch (this means start selling your shabby idea, product or service).

Parents and girlfriends may be comforted by the lose notion that their offspring or partner is “working” but little do they realize starting a company mostly consist of said offspring or partner hanging out with friends (i.e. other unemployed people) in an apartment trying to come up with the next big iPhone app.

After all, if ifart can be a big hit, then any one's idea, product or service can be a big hit. Right? Probably not, but it beats being unemployed and you get to print out business cards.

#2 A SEVERANCE PACKAGE

2009-02-02T11:53:00.000-08:00

A severance package is provided to an employee after being laid off by a former employer. Ideally, the severance package provides income and benefits for a person while they look for other work – and hopefully find it. Depending on the circumstances, the severance package could go from a week to months. Of course, there is the almighty golden parachute. A golden parachute is a large sum of money, stock options (probably not worth as much now), or other compensation that is given to an employee, as delayed compensation for performances rendered. In reality a golden parachute is a freebie to a departing executive – so they don’t have to really worry about being unemployed.

#1 A JOB

2009-01-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

Clearly a job is the first thing unemployed like. It provides a pay check, something to do during the long hours that comprise a day, and possibly status amongst peers.

Note, unemployed people may say they want any job, but this is not true. Former Wall Street Kings of the Universe will not be flipping burgers instead people want jobs that provide the same semblance of a life they may have previously had.